So I was watching an episode of My Strange Addiction recently. A lovely young lass was biting into a stick of deodorant as if it were an odor-blocking ice cream cone. And then it dawned on me:
I have done dick as ACOF’s first official wrangler.
The ACOF wrangler is an important job. It involves. . . um. . . you know, stuff and things that are important.
I felt terrible–almost too terrible to watch the second episode of My Strange Addiction where this lady was sucking down cat treats faster than a cat hopped up on catnip. Then I nearly didn’t watch Hoarders…I think you’re beginning to see how much I wanted to remedy this situation.
I asked Le Clown what I should do. Should I wear Wrangler jeans while I wrangle with a Jeep Wrangler? Should I worship at his feet like Mary Magdalene did with that rich Republican guy named Jesus? Should I watch more TV?
Le Clown’s magnificent™ solution?
“Interview my peen.”
What is a peen, you may ask.
This is a peen. In fact this is Le Clown’s.
I’m so, so sorry.
Of course, this whole ordeal made Hugo, my life partner, very angry. He began acting out in a deranged manner, even sending in an audition tape to be chosen as the next bachelor on The Bachelor. I tried to get to the crux of the matter.
Ah. So that’s what it was all about. You’re lucky The Ringmistress has such a fondness for you:
ease off your pants get ready for the first-ever magnificent™ Le Clown Peen Interview™ conducted by the first-ever official ACOF Wrangler Peen Interviewer®:
Q: What is the hardest part of being a clown peen?
A: Being so close to a clown’s ass.
Q: What is the best part of being a clown peen?
A: Not being a clown’s ass.
Q: If you could be anyone else’s peen, whose peen would you be?
A: Joan Holloway’s, obviously.
Q: Where will you be in five years?
A: Softer, which is just south of Sagging, and west of Wrinkled.
Q: What percentage of you is horse meat?
A: The question should be: what percentage of you is in horse meat?
Q: Charlie Sheen has expressed a desire to be Lindsay Lohan’s mentor. Do you think you could do a better job? If so, why?
A: Charlie Sheen should shut the fuck up. As for Lindsay Lohan, I’m not touching that one with my ten inch pole.
Q: Andy Warhol said “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.” What will you be world-famous for?
A: My TEDTalk video will be a turning point for men: because of that conference, men will enjoy a healthy sex life with their wives after marriage.
Q: Hugo insists his peen is bigger. Although he is a half-man puppet with no visible genitalia, Is he correct?
A: Hugo can suck my dick. Try to make sense of this one.
Q: Why does our culture continually celebrate mediocrity?
A: By our culture, you mean yours, right, as in NOT Canadian? Simple: ‘Cause you’re Americans.
Q: Why do purveyors of peen supplements, like Rush Limbaugh, seem to know absolutely nothing about female anatomy?
A: I’m not touching this one with a ten inch vagina.
Q: What was your greatest Halloween costume?
A: Last year, I made a killing as Oscar Pistorius, the Blade Boner. I exchanged my testes for
Oscar Pistorius is a killer prosthetics making me the most celebrated Paralimp Dick ever.
Q: What are in McDonald’s new McFish Bites?
A: Horse meat. It’s so… warm. See what I did there?
Speaker7 will be wrangling on through until the end of March. If anyone can tell her what that exactly means, she will be eternally grateful. Hugo is looking for any blogger interested in interviewing his peen. Serious inquiries only.