The Great XMAS Blogroll Induction Extravaganza – Day 8.
Have you read Adam‘s blogroll induction post yet? Of course not… But Adam thinks he’s funny… A real stand-up comic… not the Paul Reiser type . No… Adam thinks he’s Sarah Silverman funny… you know, funny fucking HA HA..! Fuck you, Adam. And congratulations, I guess.
MY RIGHT TO BE CONFUSED…
I think what intrigues me most about A Clown on Fire is that I never really know what the hell’s going on. It’s always such a head-scratcher. Trying to decipher all the drunken riddles and complicated puns is like trying to read Braille with my elbows. It’s an exercise in futility.
The whole thing is kind of like an impressionist painting, or a sculpture made out wax and toilet paper tubes. It’s all open for interpretation – and by design. By doing so, it guarantees the reader will always say the wrong thing at the right time. Of course when I say reader, I actually mean me. The crazed architect of this maddening collage of weirdness and satire is always standing behind me; in his hands a red-hot poker and a devilish grin on his face, waiting anxiously for me to say something stupid…
I was even confused when Le Clown told me he wanted to add me to his Magnificent™ shortlist of Infamous Circus Acts. From what I can remember it went like this:
Congratulations buddy! I’m adding you to my blogroll™!
Wow. Really? [Insert smiley emoticon]
No. But I do want to punch you in the mouth. Ha!
That was the last straw.
One afternoon when I had nothing better to do, I sat around brainstorming metaphors to help me understand The Circus™ once and for all. I needed to make sense of this endless madness. It was time to get down to Brass Tacks. So, I took out a sheet of paper, taped it to the desk, and wrote a header on it. The list wrote itself:
WHAT THE FUCK IS A CLOWN ON FIRE
ACOF is like:
- Getting a pat on the back followed by a kick to the bag…
- Accidentally farting on an elevator… and everybody knowing it was you…
- Eating the most delectable piece of chocolate cake, and finding a dirty band-aid with part of a finger still attached to it in the last bite…
- Finding your soul mate, bringing her home, and finding out that she’s not really a woman…after you made out with her all night in public…in front of all your friends…and your dad…and your priest…
- Bungee jumping with a cord that’s longer than the fall…
- Waking up to a Christmas Tree full of presents, but discovering that every box is stuffed with either a regift, pencils, or a shirt from the local thrift store…
- Accidentally downing your vitamins with a glass of rancid milk…then throwing it back up all over your favorite shirt…
- Getting a 70” flat screen, high-definition TV on Black Friday for $25 after sleeping outside in a tent in front of Best Buy for 4 days, then shattering it all over your driveway when you’re lugging it out of the Jeep…
- Losing a tooth, leaving it under your pillow, and waking up to a missing tooth and a note from the Tooth Fairy that says, “Fuck you kid!”
The session seemed to shed some light.
All kidding aside, it’s an honour™ to have become a fixture in your weird kingdom. I’m thankful for the nod. You’ve been an incredibly huge inspiration to me and many others. Keep doin’ what you do because we all love it. A bubbly water toast to you, my friend.
Thanks, Eric. [Insert smiley emoticon]
Eat my shorts.
Posts you should read from our real fucking funny HA HA stand-up comic here: